Envelopegate Exposed

The Oscars took place last Sunday night, and what a shit show it was.

First off, all of the movies that were nominated this year are reasonable justifications for suicide. Not because they are bad, but because they are so depressing, I’m pretty sure there was a national increase in Lexapro prescriptions over the last few months.

Even La La Land, a movie that I thought would be an uplifting pallet cleanser for all of the other binge drinking inducing content, took a sharp left turn and made me want to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Spoiler Alert: Ryan Gosling (who I hate) and fire crotch Emma Stone do not end up together at the end of the movie.

Moonlight was amazing. A lot of crack cocaine, and a lot of gay intercourse. Consensual of course. The acting was intense, and it was really some of the best story development I have seen. However, also very depressing. Really makes you think about how much life can SUCK. Don’t do drugs kids.

Arrival is one of my personal favorites. Anyone that knows me well enough is aware of the fact that I love a bit of extraterrestrial activity. Amy Adams (the superior fire crotch to Emma Stone) was incredible in it. I think Arrival pretty much got snubbed, and I would like to directly ask the academy what the fuck their problem is. There is a lack of extraterrestrial representation at the Oscars, and it would have been a nice and inclusive gesture if Arrival were to have won something. Diversity matters.

Moving on to Manchester by the Sea. The sea they are referring to is the one that has been created by your own tears after watching it. Or the one that you are going to get drunk and wade into, in an intoxicated attempt to drown yourself. I mean honest to god the writers of that movie are sadistic. It starts off like a lot of movies do, the typical scenario where some low life loser finds out that his brother died, and he now has to take care of his nephew. So I’m like okay I see where this is going. But then next thing I know; it is revealed that the guy had three of his own kids, that all DIED IN A FIRE. AND IT WAS HIS FAULT. HE CAUSED THE FIRE. What the fuck…. I’m assuming the brother wrote his will before this incident occurred? And then after he said “oh shit I gotta remember to revise that later.” But then he died before he could. So what I learned from the movie is that if you have someone named in your will to take care of your kid, that gets exposed for killing some kids, or molesting some kids, CHANGE YOUR WILL IMMEDIATELY. DON’T WAIT. DEATH COULD TAKE YOU AT ANY MOMENT.

The main dude in the movie was Casey Affleck. Who can fucking choke for all I care. I have no idea why he won the Academy Award… He is a known sexual predator… I am of the belief that just because you are a master of your craft, this does not outweigh humanity, and give a free pass to do whatever you want. It’s the Woody Allen effect. Woody Allen is a disgusting rapist, yet people say “oh well, he makes really good movies.” Fuck that. And shame on the Academy for giving out awards to people who are known sexual predators. Although we did give a sexual predator the presidency so I mean I guess it’s not all that surprising. The only thing that could have made it worse would be if Mel Gibson had actually won best director. AND DID ANYONE ELSE NOTICE HIS LITTLE CHILD BRIDE???

WHAT THE FUCK?????????????????? And she is pregnant with his child…………..

The entire pregnancy is sponsored by Viagra.

In regards to the outfits at the Oscars, all I have to say is that everyone is lucky Joan Rivers is dead. She would have verbally annihilated these people for those fashion choices. I respect a good creative risk, I take a few of them myself, but that doesn’t mean you have to show up in an 1880s curtain. Shout out to Dakota Johnson, I actually really like her, and if you watch her in interviews she is quite intelligent and funny. Also, she is beautiful. So why wear a Victorian handkerchief?

Is it bad that I hate that dress but also kind of love it at the same time?  I’m conflicted.

Viola Davis, the queen of acting, wore a red dress. Her face was beautiful as always, but the dress itself, not great. Not bad, but not great.

BORING.

Naomi Harris looked like her dress was made by the losing contestant on a Project Runway challenge that consisted of making a dress out of a swimsuit.

Ryan Gosling looked like that asshole in your high school prom group, that tries to get creative, in a desperate attempt to establish himself as “most fashionable” in the yearbook senior superlatives. Only to then lose to the hipster kid that loves a denim jacket and patterned socks.

Pharrell looked like a guy that took one etiquette class and now thinks he is the epitome of high class culture.

Also I still hold a grudge against Pharrell for that fucking “Happy” song he made in the minion movie or whatever it was. I HATE that song. In the same way I hate the Justin Timberlake song from that other animated movie. FUCK JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. He’s not funny, and he thinks he is so fucking intellectual. Also after watching that Lifetime biopic / subsequent documentary on Britney Spears, it made me hate him even more. He sucks. His peak was when he wore that fucking full denim outfit combo with Britney. Everything after that has been a downward spiral in my opinion.

Michelle Williams looked like she got her dress from the same Project Runway swimsuit challenge that Naomi Harris got hers from.

Some people did look really great though. Emma Stone, Taraji P. Henson, Amy Adams, Brie Larson, Janelle Monáe, Mahershala Ali ( love the all black suit with the black bow tie. Ryan Gosling, take notes), Dev Patel (imagine that I put 1000 heart eye emojis right here), Riz Ahmed, Ava DuVernay, Kirsten Dunst, and Chrissy Teigen. There are probably more than that, but they are irrelevant.

       

In other news, did anyone else see that Emma Roberts joined team fire crotch? I’m assuming it was for a movie, either that or she is trying to sabotage her own career. I don’t know, anything is possible. It takes a lot of courage to leave the house and pose for pictures with that hair situation. I commend her. #bravery

I don’t even want to talk too much about that little accident that happened at the end. You know, the one where the announced the wrong film for best picture and then literally let the cast of La La Land stand up there for several minutes crying and thanking people before it was finally realized a mistake was made. I think I lost ten pounds from anxiety sweats. The cast of La La Land was really gracious about it I must say. I probably would have grabbed the microphone and screamed something about lawsuits, emotional distress, and revenge. I don’t know that’s just me though. Also Jimmy Kimmel was a real asshole about the whole situation. There is a reason he is the most irrelevant of all late night talk show hosts.

My real theory is that Leo DiCaprio switched the envelopes. He was on stage presenting the best actress award to Emma Stone, and he then he walked off stage still holding the card. Now I’m not saying it was premeditated, but I think he saw an opportunity, and he took it. Carpe diem and all that. He slipped the card back on top of the pile, knowing that the stage people would not notice. He also knew that the people presenting the best picture award were old as shit, and would definitely not notice. Although I gotta hand it to that one old guy presenter, he definitely hesitated, and knew something was wrong. Of course, Leo orchestrated this entire plan because of the years of abuse he has suffered at the hands of the academy. Year after year of getting snubbed really takes a toll on a person. Yes, they gave it to him for The Revenant, but what about all of the amazing movies before that one? And before you tell me that Emma Stone said she carried the card off stage, just know that she is lying to protect her career. Of course she said that, what else was she going to say, “Leo was the last one to have the card, he never gave it to me.” I think the fuck not. That is career suicide.

As a whole, I think that it was a successful night, and a lot of awards were given to well-deserved people. Except for Casey Affleck. And that random Suicide Squad Award. Wasn’t it for makeup or something? No offense but the makeup in that movie was not that hard. Ask every teenage girl that dressed up as Harley Quinn last Halloween.

Well I could probably go on about this for hours, but I will spare you all. If you have any thoughts about the night, or if you want to attack me for ginger discrimination, let me know in the comments.