Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! Or as it is known for some of you: day to post on social media how fucking pathetic and tragic you are. The “forever alone” posts are embarrassing and self-indulgent. No one fucking cares. The constant complaints just make you sound like Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother, who is in my opinion, one of the most excruciating television characters of all time. He is the human embodiment of a Valentine’s Day social media pity party post. Ted is always bitching about how he can’t find love, and he produces not an ounce of comedic content for the show. News flash asshole: you are single because you are boring, not funny, rude, pretentious, and all you do is COMPLAIN. He’s also a raging misogynist, and if my friend ever introduced me to her Ted Mosby complex boyfriend, I would tell her to run for the fucking hills. The real question is: who is worse, Ted Mosby or Ross Gellar from Friends?
These are the kinds of hard hitting questions we need to be asking ourselves.
Valentine’s Day is literally a made up holiday, and people are letting it dictate the status of their self-esteem. If you don’t have a significant other this Valentine’s Day, instead of posting bitter statements that make it seem like no one in the world loves you, and that you are in solitary confinement at your state petitionary, go down to the grocery store and buy a slab of chocolate. Buy yourself some flowers for god’s sakes. It’s not that serious. Take yourself on a date to the cheesecake factory. Table of 1. Go see 50 Shades Darker by yourself.
Side note: after my last post where I was trying to surmise the entire plot of 50 Shades Darker from the commercials on TV, I thought, why not just read the book? So I went online and found a PDF, (because why the fuck would I pay for it) and I got to page 7 before I just couldn’t do it anymore. I’m not going to be one of those pretentious assholes that goes on a rant about how badly written it is, because who cares. It’s not like I went into reading it thinking it was going to be some fucking Ernest Hemingway novel. What do people expect?? It’s a smut novel written for middle aged women, not To Kill a Mockingbird. So calm down. Anyway, the real problem I had was the second hand embarrassment. The dialogue made me want to bash myself into a coma so that I could wake up with the chance of having some sort of retrograde amnesia. I’m not even going to go into details, but if you want to give it a read you can find a PDF in 2 seconds. You can even read it in public, but pretend you are intellectual and reading a news article or something. If you are reading 50 Shades Darker on your phone in public and someone says “what are you looking at so intently?” You say “I’m checking the stocks what the fuck do you think I’m doing???” That’s my response for everything. Even if someone asks who I’m texting.
Back to Valentine’s Day. I get sidetracked so easily. For any of you that are wondering, this is exactly how I talk in real life. I am a topic hopper. One word can get me going on something completely different than what I originally intended.
Anyway, your Valentine’s Day could always be worse, you could be going to school for the ENTIRE day like me.
Here’s a fun story for you though. Some guy at work that is in a different department than me, but that has to come into our office fairly regularly, asked me what my Valentine’s Day plans were, and he also asked me if I wanted to go to a taco truck with him. If that’s not the most romantic thing you’ve ever heard, then I don’t know what is. For the first time in my life I felt grateful that I had to go to school the entire day. I didn’t even have to nervously laugh and fumble around for an excuse like I usually do. Which probably would have consisted of something like “um………. Hahaha……I… um…. Have plans already…..haha……sorry.”
I’m a wordsmith. #articulate.
My ideal Valentine’s Day is actually me being at home witch some chocolate watching the new episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I’m openly admitting that because I don’t care.
Life is short and we should all be honest with ourselves and do whatever the fuck we want. Within reason. Consensual dates only people. No Valentine’s Day abductions. Also don’t publicly ask someone out or announce your love for someone in front of a crowd of people, that is harassment and entrapment.
For everyone that does have plans, I hope you have a great day, and that you don’t have to wait 6 hours to get a table at your restaurant of choice. If your restaurant of choice is The Sizzler, maybe reconsider? Or don’t. What do I know. If you think ahead, and you made a reservation already, good for you. Also, it’s probably too late to tell you this now, but just for future reference, you should always ask a girl what jewelry she wants before you buy it for her. She would probably rather have the surprise ruined for her than have an ugly aqua diamond incrusted pair of earrings. And don’t even get me started on the Tiffany Kidney Bean necklace. If a guy got me that I would break up with him on the spot. And file for a restraining order.
What the fuck is that???????? Why would you want this???? If you aspire to wear this fucking bean around your neck let me know because I have some questions for you.
Just so you all know, I started typing this last night, and I am finishing it up as I sit in this huge class with like 100 people. I am searching through serial killer Valentine’s Cards on Google Images while in class, as one does, and I’m pretty sure everyone that sits around and behind me can see me doing it. I’ve settled on a particularly nice Jefferey Dahmer one to use as the header for this post, and multiple people have definitely watched me through this selection process. So if I get questioned by campus police later I will definitely know why.
Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day like an intimate interrogation from campus police.
If you think about it, police interrogations are just like really long dates. It’s just you and the officer alone in a room at a table. They usually bring you some food. And then you sit there as they try to get to know you. Is that not exactly what a date is? I mean minus the hard hitting “did you murder this person” question, an interrogation is like a 6 hour long date. I’d probably rather do that than go to Applebee’s with some fucking loser that is going to insist I order a salad and then make me pay because he “forgot his wallet.”
Here’s a fun tip: if you are ever a murder suspect and you are brought into an interrogation, after the traumatic 6 hour ordeal is over, inquire in regards to your relationships status by asking the detective “so what are we?”
That won’t elevate suspicion or make you seem like a deranged lunatic at all, and I watch Law and Order so I know what I’m talking about.