I remember back when I was in elementary school, and summer or winter break was coming to an end, I would readily anticipate school commencing once again. I attribute this to ignorance and youthful naivety. In hindsight, it’s kinda cute that I had that kind of genuine excitement, and it actually makes me a little jealous of my past self. Imagine being excited to complete daily obligations. Unheard of.
When I was young I also used to wake up early for no reason other than that I was just excited to live life, and to be alive. Now I won’t get out of bed early on the one or two days I get to sleep in, unless coffee is literally intravenously injected into my bloodstream like heroin, or a hostage situation unfolds in my house. Even then I might ask the intruder to come back in a few hours when I am more alert and willing to participate.
I am currently in my third year of college, and my winter break is reaching its Larry King stage. On the brink of ceasing to exist. As much as I wish it could go on for forever, the suffering can be put off no longer.
I am being really dramatic. It sounds like I am talking about being deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan. I actually don’t mind school that much, in theory. Being in the environment is relatively enjoyable, and I have yet to meet anyone I dislike (as opposed to high school where when a bomb threat happened on a day I happened to be sick, and there was a lockdown, I was not concerned with the lives of those trapped in the building, I was more concerned with being able to retrieve an item of mild importance I had left in my locker.) The professors I have had so far in college have all been reasonable, kind, and extremely understanding. I probably just jinxed it and I am going to have a teacher with a Mariah Carey complex this semester. Unreasonable and self indulgent.
I actually have had a few professors that were really nice, but I think they embellished their career experience. Actually I don’t think, I know. I know this because I stalked them online and pretty much did a full fucking background check. Oops. “Freelance Journalist” AKA unemployed.
Anyway, back to the bitching. The problem that I have with it all, is the amount of work expected to be done outside of class. When I am in school, I do nothing else except for go to school, go to work, and do homework. I know some people say this, and it is completely hyperbolic and overdramatized, but I genuinely mean it, that is all I do. I pretty much fall from existence like Jaycee Dugard circa 1991, and then when school is over, I am able to continue living my normal life like she did circa 2009.
I probably will not watch television for the next three months (except for the reality tv I like to play in the background as I type essays. I have done some of my best work while watching The Real Housewives.)
I put a lot of pressure on myself in college, in a way that I had not done in high school, and prior to that. I always did my best, and passed every class, but for some reason in college, I will literally sacrifice my sleep and mental stability for the sake of an A. Probably because I actually have money invested. I am such a deranged lunatic when it comes to getting A’s, and it always really surprises people, because I don’t act like this on the surface. When people ask me about school, I come off as nonchalant, but little do they know I would push them out of a 12th story window if my professor said it was necessary for me to get the A. It’s every bitch for themselves.
This semester I am taking entertainment PR, feature article writing, communications law, biology (the one GE I have yet to do, because I have been putting it off), and a class on immigration throughout American history (for my second major in American Studies. Which I will be done with after that class.) None of those classes sound excruciating, BUT, the times at which I am being forced to take them are questionable and inconvenient. Kind of like when I was a lifeguard and someone would start drowning when I was in the middle of listening to a really good podcast episode.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have a class from 10 AM – 11:15, another from 11:30 – 12:45, and then I have to wait around until another class that starts at 4. What the fuck am I supposed to do for that long? Yeah I could actually study and do homework while I am waiting, but I will probably just end up people watching and online shopping. Two of my favorite activities. I then have a class from 4 to 6:45, and another from 7 to 9:45 PM. I am going to have to be strolling around school in the pitch dark. If I don’t make a new post for several weeks, assume I got abducted in the parking structure, and remember me as I was. Actually don’t do that. Construct a more romanticized version.
By the time I get home, it will be around 10:30 / 11 . And then I have to work the next morning. Not to complain excessively, because I know that everyone else is doing really difficult and exhausting shit all the time, but I am honestly tired just thinking about it all. School makes me exhausted in a way that I cannot even describe. I can work an entire day and be fine, but then I go to school for a day, and I am usually almost falling asleep behind the wheel driving home. Yet even asleep, I would probably still be driving better than most people on Southern California’s freeways. Such a shit show. My dream is to see a person from rural Kansas drive on the 101 or 405 freeway. I am going to make a post about driving in California in the future, I just decided.
No matter what time of day, chances are it looks like this.
Hopefully having this blog will be a good outlet for me, and a place where I can be creative and escape the stress of everyday life. It is a far more productive stress relief than starting a pill addiction, so I feel pretty good about that. The amount of college students taking Adderall or Ritalin without a prescription is truly something else. I once had a friend that went on an Adderall binge before finals, and all she did was read and study everything that she had failed to do for the entire semester. She did this for like three days straight. Adderall genuinely makes you forget to eat or sleep if you don’t actually have ADHD. The bitch was fucked up. Here’s a fun idea for everyone in college: actually keep up to date with the shit you are supposed to be doing so that you don’t have to go on a prescription pill binge three days before the end of the semester. I should be a school counselor.
Just kidding I should never be trusted as a counselor. That would be like giving Jeffery Dahmer a show on Food Network.
It feels weird going back to school with a completely different job than what I left it with a month ago. For everyone that has been reading some of my other posts, I recently put my lifeguarding career to an end, and I am now working as an assistant to the recreation coordinator for the same retirement community of 18,000 old people that I was a lifeguard for. Everyday that I do it feels surreal, and I am constantly questioning how it happened. I have those moments where I just stop and say “what the fuck am I even doing right now.” It is really professional, a lot of responsibility, and I have to be on my best behavior. Although, you would actually be surprised with how much I can get away with. The key is to dress well, flash a smile, and then it doesn’t even matter if you tell your supervisor that you are glad not to be a lifeguard anymore because the pressure of having to pretend to give a fuck about the lives of the elderly, for eight hours straight, multiple times a week, was exhausting. I can say things like this and people laugh and find it charming. It’s all about the delivery.
I am still learning the ropes at my new job, but I have learned so much in the last few weeks. The experience is really invaluable, and I am grateful for the opportunity.
Alright enough of that, back to complaining. Not being a lifeguard anymore, and actually doing a job that is productive and that challenges me, has made me a lot more mentally stable. I am far less depressed and irritable than I have been in the last several years. School better not ruin this for me. Nothing makes me launch into a complete psychotic break quite like school does. I start acting like Will Smith’s character in I am Legend, mixed with Angelina Jolie in Girl, Interrupted. I am going to make a post in the future about movie characters I relate to disturbingly well.
I am just full of great ideas right now.
I will keep you all up to date with how my life unfolds, and you might be able to uncover the state of my mental stability through the wording of posts that I make in the future. The more erratic and delusional I sound, the further I am slipping into the abyss of mental unpredictability.
Everyone should try and remember the pure and innocent excitement they felt for life as a child, and try to channel some of that into their current lives. Unless you already do? Do some of you generally wake up excited? I am so wrapped up in my own life I don’t even know what’s normal anymore. Feel free to share.