If I Was a Bachelor Bitch

I don’t even want to do a recap for the episode this week because I thought it was BORING. All I am going to say is that Vanessa is someone that I would actually consider surrounding myself with in real life. I don’t think I have ever said this about someone while watching the Bachelor or Bachelorette. Except for maybe Kaitlyn. I actually liked her, and I think she dodged a bullet my not picking Nick in the finale episode.

Although I will say the one thing I don’t like about Vanessa is that I think she should just stay in her own lane when it comes to Corinne.

In other news, Corinne has a nanny and she apparently does not know how to clean a spoon. I don’t even know what to say about this. I am rarely speechless, but I’m not going to lie, that little truth bomb left me a bit taken aback. And don’t even get me started on that fucking whip cream situation, I am still trying to forget about it. I would probably rather watch 10 hours straight of SISTER WIVES than watch that scene again.

Instead of doing a full recap, I am going to share what I think is the winning formula to maximize success as a contestant on The Bachelor. Which who knows, if my life ever takes a complete left turn and I go into a full downward spiral,  it might just happen.

I think it is essential for contestants that go on the Bachelor to arrive with a fully prepared game plan. Everyone needs to find their niche. That’s the key. I would definitely not make myself too known, but I definitely would not fly under the radar either. There are always those random bitches that somehow make it to the top ten even though I have genuinely never seen them before in my life. What is the point of that? Going on The Bachelor is essentially just an investment in your career. Realistically, people only go on so that they can add “public figure” to their Instagram bios, and get that fucking verified check mark. I”m not even going to lie to you, I would LOVE to be verified on Twitter. Is there a way to purchase verification? Someone make this happen for me.

You need to decide who you want to be. I think a good way to go, is to be the seemingly relaxed, funny, smart, yet good naturedly competitive good time gal. Do NOT be the villain. But, you also can’t be so nice that it comes to define you. Nice is BORING. Although I love to be called nice, I would never want it to be the first word that someone uses to describe me. If I was going to meet someone, and I asked beforehand what they were like, and the first thing I was told was that they were “nice,” I would be immediately turned off. I would assume they are probably a snooze fest that enjoys spending their free time at the local farmers market, and watching episodes of House Hunters.

A sob story is always a good idea. You can never go wrong with a good sob story, something that is really going to tug at the heart strings. Maybe something about how you spend your spare time rehabilitating the homeless. Perhaps in the few days before the show, you can spend your time creating a photo montage of yourself doing charitable acts (in full hair and makeup of course). Or you can claim you have a life threatening disease. Preferably something that cannot be proven. Pull a Yolanda Hadid and say you have Lyme disease every 6 minutes.

An IV selfie goes a LONG way.

Another important aspect of bachelor success is to stay on the good side of all the other girls in the house. And this is not because of the need to establish life long friendships. Of course not. But BITCHES ARE SNITCHES, and if you are an asshole in the house, that information will 100% travel back to the bachelor. That is going to lead to questions that you don’t want to answer, and it will kickstart a full on interrogation on national television. Having to tell a guy “yeah, I may have accidentally referred to her as an insufferable little troll looking bitch ” is not really the best thing for your career. And it is going to be a little awkward to discuss with your family when they watch the episode. No parents want to say “oh yes, my daughter is the one that called a girl a life sucking leech with the personality of a deranged hyena, on national television.” Not exactly daughter of the year material.

A traumatic past relationship story could also work in your favor, and it is important to get your story together ahead of time. Danielle really went for it last week when she said that her fiancée died, and she was the one that found his dead body. Not to sound like an insensitive asshole, but she racked up some MAJOR points with that.

A story about how you were in a long term relationship (which will show that you don’t have commitment issues), but that the other person just wasn’t as invested (this completely shifts the blame), and that they subsequently cheated (establishes you as the victim and makes people sympathetic), and this is why it is hard for you to open up to people (this will make it seem that being on the show is a huge step for you, and it also sets up an alibi for if you ever slip up and act completely disengaged and disinterested in the whole situation). The most essential part of this method is that you follow up by saying “but it just feels so different with you, I finally feel like I can open up and be vulnerable.” Everyone that goes on the show is a narcissist. So if you specifically target this narcissism by making them feel like they are literally saving you from emotional destruction, I mean it just does not get any better than that.

Although it is important to utilize some aspects of the “fake it till you make it” method, I also would not stray from being authentic. More people need to be incorporated into the Bachelor franchise that are entertaining because they are witty, smart, and act like they are actual human beings, not spray tanned and mismatched extension wearing cyborgs. I actually find it more entertaining to watch people that are genuinely funny and intelligent, than watch people do stupid shit purely for attention.

Although I must admit, I do secretly love Corinne’s antics. SUE ME.

For me the hardest part would be participating in the embarrassing date challenges. In what world would a date include being forced into an impromptu acting situation? Or performing standup comedy? On last nights episode, the girls had to be backup dancers for the backstreet boys, and perform on stage with them. I would probably rather staple my own eyelids shut than be part of a choreographed dance routine.

Also can we just acknowledge the fact that in my last Bachelor post I said that Nick resembled a “washed up boyband member.” And then the week after, the Backstreet Boys show up? That is true intuition on my part. Nick really looked like he was in his element up there, more so than when he is with any of the women, and I think that if he had any musical talent whatsoever, boyband member would be his true calling.

So to sum this whole thing up, you really have to be relatable to the masses, funny, smart, down to earth, yet keep the goal in mind. Is the goal to win the whole show? Probably not. Is the goal to get far enough that you could potentially be the next Bachelorette? It’s quite possible. The opportunities are endless really.