TLC – Toddlers, Lunatics, and Cheaters

I was watching Say Yes to the Dress on TLC the other night, as one does, and there was a commercial that was constantly playing. It felt like the equivalent of being in North Korea and the only thing on TV is Kim Jong Un propaganda.

TLC has about three different commercials that they play on a loop, and they seep into the subconscious like some form of psychological mind control. Somehow I know the names of people on shows that I do not watch. I know plot lines, what days the show comes on, and even at what specific times. The government has been trying to perfect mind control and indoctrination for decades, but perhaps TLC has the answers they have been looking for all along. @CIA, you’re welcome.

TLC has been disgusting to me ever since the 600 Kids and Counting scandal occurred. (The mom on the show cannot be physically able to have any more kids, correct? #menopause).  The fact that TLC even still gives attention to the family is disturbing to me.

PEOPLE > PROFIT.

I’m like a regular Bernie Sanders over here.

Yes, they do not have the older rapist / child molester / cheater brother on the show, but they should have just cancelled the content all together. The victims of the assaults, (his sisters) obviously have psychological trauma that they have had to conceal and repress, so to continue to exploit them on TV, is just completely unnecessary. I know this because I took Psych 1o1, so clearly I am qualified to be making these kinds of judgements.

I blame the dad, Jim Bob. I can just imagine him threatening that they better be on the show, while the girls churn butter and recite Bible verses in their long denim skirts. What the fuck kind of name is Jim Bob in the first place? His parents clearly wanted to pick the two most generic, white as wonder bread, names possible, and then just combine them. Very creative. Saying that it is their choice to continue to be on the show, is to me the equivalent of saying that it is the choice of children to be in beauty pageants. It’s called brainwashing.

Speaking of pageants, Toddlers and Tiaras is another real gem that has been produced by TLC. Because what is better than watching child abuse on national television? The moms on that show are real demons and they have a true Patsy Ramsey complex.#JonBenet. If any of you were in beauty pageants as a child, and you think it was your decision, IT WASN’T. Sorry to have to be the one to tell you. I give you permission to go provoke conflict over this issue with your mother, and demand that she financially compensate for the spray tan, hair dye, and eyebrow waxing induced trauma that you endured.

Other television atrocities that have been committed by TLC are: Married By Mom and Dad, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Kate Plus 8 (after their marriage flopped), Long Island Medium, Breaking Amish, My 600 Pound Life, My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, My Strange Addiction, and the list goes on and on.

I feel like channels such as E! and Bravo get a lot of backlash over shows like Keeping Up With The Kardashians and The Real Housewives, but in my opinion, watching those shows is like watching Sesame Street in comparison to the shit show line up of content being circulated on TLC. TLC literally stands for The Learning Channel. Learning what? How to exploit children? How to pretend to talk to dead people with a horrible Long Island accent and overly teased hair? How to arrange your child’s marriage? How to purchase $600 worth of pasta sauce for $27.99? The people that work for TLC just take taboo and antiquated subject matter, but then put a modern spin on it that somehow makes it socially acceptable television.

The real point of this post was to talk about Sister Wives. That was the commercial that was assaulting my eyes, and intruding on my mental subconscious, while I was trying to watch women pick their fucking wedding dresses.

Sister Wives is a mess. Out of curiosity I watched an episode, (pretty sure that makes me part of the problem, but that’s fine) and I truly felt like I was watching some sort of hostage situation unfolding in front of me. I was torn between calling child services, and  filming some sort of Leah Remini Scientology-esque docuseries exposing the Mormon church. And yes I am aware that most Mormons denounce polygamy, so if you are Mormon please don’t come knocking on my front door trying to explain. You do that enough as it is. I’M KIDDING. (I’m not).

The wives’ strange loyalty to their shared husband, their weird loyalty to each other, the children that have been produced from each of them, it was all too much. And that is coming from me. Documentaries on the Manson Family have disturbed me far less than this. I would actually rather be a member of the Manson Family than a part of the Sister Wives family.

I mean the choice is obvious.

In a way, I feel bad shitting all over people’s lifestyles, because I mean, to each their own, but actually I don’t feel bad at all and I am going to shit all over it right now. Realistically, these people are dabbling in the same relationship practices as someone like Osama Bin Laden. Last time I checked he wasn’t exactly #RealtionshipGoals

I feel as though these women must somehow be victims of this situation? I would like to know what their backstories are, and what would psychologically allow them to put themselves through this. I wonder if their parents were also involved in polygamy and perhaps that is how they were inducted into it? They must have to rent out their local Football stadium for family gatherings. Do you think the guy ever gets their names mixed up? Most guys can’t even keep track of anniversaries with one woman, imagine doing it with four. And do the woman ever get jealous of each other? I feel like catfights would ensue, similar to that of what happens on the Bachelor. Or perhaps they enjoy not having to deal with their husband 24/7. It’s kind of like when you tell your sibling that it’s there turn to take out the dog today.

If I was going to be in a Sister Wives situation, I would personally want all of the other wives to be less attractive, and less fun than me. I would have to assert my dominance as wife #1. Having to see my husband with another woman would be extremely unsettling and I would probably “accidentally” end up cutting the bitch while chopping vegetables or something. “Knives and Sister Wives” would be the name of the exposé that would come out subsequent to the attack.

I know (from the commercials) that there was recently a situation in which one of the wives was having a relationship with another man online. The husband then has a fit when he discovers what is transpiring. The irony of him being upset that she was with another man…when he is literally with three other women… I mean you just can’t make this stuff up. I honestly think that you have to be quite an egomaniac to want to have four wives. It’s like someone that needs to be the center of attention, and someone that needs to feel like they are in control of multiple people at all times. He is really like a small scale Jim Jones if you think about it. And taking the marriage vows is like taking the Kool Aid.

I also have deduced from the commercials that the man she was having an affair with online was actually catfishing her. I would have loved to have seen a Sister Wives and Catfish crossover. Nev and Max would have let the husband know what’s up.

                  

Upon hearing that a man was able to land multiple wives, you would think, wow this man must be quite the catch.

WRONG.

LOOK AT HIM. THIS MAN HAS 4 WIVES. For all of my dudes out there reading this, if you have ever felt like you will never find love, I want you to see that this man literally found it 4 times. If he can do it, then so can you. Also, most serial killers have been married, a lot of them several times. If they can find love, then hey, why not you? There is someone out there for everyone I guess.

Wow, this is such an inspirational post. YOU’RE WELCOME.

If any of you watch Sister Wives, or if you aspire to be in a Sister Wives situation, let me know. Or maybe brother husbands? Is that a thing? Who knows.