Roughly two years ago I made the decision to delete my Instagram. I know, what a brave and bold action on my behalf. #not
I had my Instagram for several years, and not to be dramatic, but I think it was ruining my life. I don’t mean this in the pretentious “I am so above social media” type of way. I don’t shame anyone for their Instagram usage (that’s a blatant lie) but I came to the conclusion that for me, it was not conducive to a productive lifestyle.
Being a female in my 20s, it is a tad strange not to have an Instatgram, and to be honest, I will probably make another one some time in the future. When people ask me what my Instagram is, and I tell them I don’t have one, the look on their face is the equivalent of if I told them that I don’t have electricity or running water in my home.
Let me convey to you some of the reasons that I chose to delete my Instagram.
First of all, it was like cocaine. I was addicted to checking my follower count, how many likes I was getting, and who was unfollowing me. It was a strange phenomenon for me, because I am not like this on any other social media platform. If anything I am the complete opposite. I’m like a regular Anne Frank on Facebook. And on Twitter I have a pretty low key presence, like Fidel Castro in the few years prior to his demise. But for some reason, I was monitoring my Instagram activity better than I was monitoring my fucking menstrual cycle. They even created those apps where you could specifically see who unfollowed you. I wonder if those apps have ever directly resulted in murder or arson?When someone unfollowed me I wanted to go all Hugh Jackman on them, from that movie Prisoners. If you haven’t seen it, he essentially abducts the man that is suspected of kidnapping his daughter, and starts secretly interrogating and beating the shit out of him until he confesses. 50 shades of cray. This would go from revenge seeking, to just a complete self esteem downward spiral. Obviously they were unfollowing because of the discontent for the content I was producing. Was it the selfies or the food pics that acted as the final straw for them?? A question worthy of its own unsolved mysteries episode.
I also did not appreciate the overall fake and contrived nature of Instagram. People only put out there what they want the world to see, and what they think is going to make them look the coolest and the most #relatable. Which is FINE. But for me personally, it was annoying. I wanted some authentic moments to be shared, ones that felt very organic and real. Like what about a picture of someone in the midst of their life falling apart? #downwardspiral. What about a therapist selfie? #mentallyunstable.
Don’t even get me started on the tea and waist training promos….. I will literally lose my shit like Donald Trump after watching an episode of SNL, or after anyone that does anything that does not align with the intentions of his regime.
This also leads me to discuss Instagram captions. I am not a fan of a song lyric caption or an inspirational quote caption. If you have ever used “live, laugh, love” as a caption just delete your account right now and evaluate your life choices. Or there is the classic “life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away” Gag me with a chainsaw.
If you are using 600 hashtags, you need to stop. #fun #fit #outside #life #instagood #photography #hair #sun #girl #tagsforlikes #likesforlikes #smile #pretty #style #friends #hot #cool #chill #memories #goodtimes #beach #hipster #starbucks #instafollow #followforfollow #godisgood #wcw #inspiration #fashioninspo #instamood #SHUT #THE #FUCK #UP
I remember when I was in high school and Instagram was first becoming popular, I would have friends that would text me 5 different images. Each of these images would be a screenshot of their future Instagram post, but with different filters. They would send this in our group message, and then would want everyone to respond with what filter they think is best. Because that’s what friends are for. Making those difficult life decisions. If you did not respond within like 5 minutes, they would go full on Gestapo or Spanish Inquisition on you. Terrifying.
Sometimes if someone was feeling extra risky, they would go #nofilter. Now if that isn’t true courage then I don’t know what is.
I always had a lot of respect for the girls that would post bikini pics. I could never. I would have that taken down in 5 seconds, probably after building up the courage for 17 hours to post it. I would most likely need to acquire a serious case of the stomach flu, or perhaps even tape worm, before I could make that kind of commitment.
Speaking of commitment, let’s talk about the commitment of following someone back. Sometimes someone would follow me, and I knew them, so I felt obligated to follow back. But then I would look at what they posted, and it was strictly gym selfies, or they documented their entire life by posting almost every 45 seconds. Like get a fucking scrapbook and spare us. At that point I would have to choose between being a rude bitch and not following back, or having to make myself suffer by assaulting my eyes on a daily basis. Of course, I chose the first option.
Also, can I just say that I hated when I would want to stalk someone and then they had a private profile. THE AUDACITY. You aren’t fucking Osama Bin Laden, what are you hiding? Then you would have to get more desperate and stalk their Facebook profile, which of course hasn’t been updated since 2009. Then you would get so far into the investigation, you would end up stalking their LinkedIn profile. That is how you know you have reached rock bottom. I’m pretty sure if people that are masters of social media investigation put their minds to it, they could solve the Zodiac case once and for all.
I don’t really know what the point of this post was, but I want you to know that if you have Instagram, I support you fully in your endeavors. Just don’t be an asshole on it, and don’t let the self indulgent nature of it turn you into an egomaniac, or control your entire life. If your relationship with Instagram is similar to that of a hostage with Stockholm syndrome, then maybe it’s time to take a bit of a hiatus. Like Kim K post Paris robbery.