The Red Scare: Bachelor Premiere Recap

I just realized I had a Bachelor premiere recap saved in my drafts, and that I never published it. So here is a late reflection on the first episode, and I will probably post one for the new episode that comes on tonight sometime tomorrow. If you don’t watch the show, you can ignore this post, and also you should probably start watching. It makes you more relatable, and it is a great casual conversation starter.

Also, going on the show is definitely my backup plan, so be prepared to see me on it in a few years. #desperate 

First of all, I am conflicted about Nick being the Bachelor. He seems nice… but at the same time…I don’t trust him. There is something off. I don’t know what it is yet, but when I find out I will share.

It could be a mild Ted Bundy complex. Good looking and charming, but probably crazy. Minus all the murder of course. Or maybe not. The newest addition to the bachelor mansion may just be a rape dungeon. 

The first several episodes when they are all throwing themselves at him, trying to get attention, make me extremely uncomfortable. I watch them with one eye closed. The second hand embarrassment is extremely real.

While I was watching the first episode, it was already obvious who was normal and well intentioned, and who was One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest crazy. It is so apparent when people are just going on the show to launch a career that entails no work, except for posting instagram selfies with skinny tea promos (which I already ranted about in a previous post so I will spare you this time).

I love how almost every girl was wearing red. I felt like I was watching a Soviet Union government meeting at the Kremlin. And may I just add that the dresses on the show always look like they were purchased from the prom dress section of Windsor or Macy’s. 

Let’s talk about Corinne. She is clearly crazy. Beautiful, but crazy. I’m definitely here for it though. I think it is important that they keep a wild card around, for entertainment purposes. They had Chad last season, and his sidekick Daniel of course. Daniel comparing Chad to Hitler, and saying he should be more like Mussolini, was such an iconic TV moment.

Then we have Olivia, who was batshit crazy the season before. I remember her calling Amanda a teen mom and just blatantly trying to fight everyone. Then there was also Lace, who I LOVE. She talks like she is on tranquilizers, but she acts like she is hopped up on Adderall. The way she would say “I’m not crazy Ben” was incredible. A bitch that has to constantly say they are not crazy, is always crazy.

Anyways, back to this season. I love Rachel, she seems really normal, and she’s an attorney! #richbitch.

Danielle, the girl that is a baby nurse or whatever the fuck it is called, also seems really nice and normal. A little boring, but definitely mentally stable. I hope that the more I watch her, that her niceness doesn’t start to come off as inauthentic, and too reminiscent of Taylor Swift. My arch nemesis. 

So Liz and Nick already met (and banged) at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. And then he tried to get her phone number but she said no??????? That to me is really strange and clearly a red flag. Why would she not? Maybe it was all part of her scheme to get on the Bachelor,  and get more Instagram followers. Although, I don’t think it was known that Nick was going to be the Bachelor at that point, so I don’t think that is a plausible theory. Maybe Nick was really bad in bed and that is why she did not want his number. She needs to be interrogated further into this matter. I’m talking like 3 hour Hillary Clinton/ FBI email interrogation status. The people need answers.

I don’t even want to give the shark/ dolphin girl attention. I hate people that get attention for being stupid. I enjoy a calculating and manipulative reality TV villain that garners attention through creative tactics. They clearly know exactly what they are doing, and they know exactly how to become the most talked about person on the show. People that are just authentically stupid offer nothing to the show, and I hope she gets kicked off soon. Did they even show what she looked like outside of the shark costume? I honestly cannot remember.

I am really excited for the episode tonight, and I can’t wait to see who get slutty, who gets kicked off,and who makes me want to drink bleach. I hope the claws come out. I am also intrigued to see what type of dates Nick chooses, and I hope the second hand embarrassment is kept to a minimum.

3 thoughts on “The Red Scare: Bachelor Premiere Recap

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