Gal Pals 101

First of all I am going to say that this it not friendship advice, and that I am in no way qualified to be dishing out any of that. That would be like Charlie Sheen being an AA counselor. However, what I can project forth into the world is my own personal preferences in regards to friendships, and what I personally find to be redeeming qualities in friends.

1. Honesty: When I say honesty I mean 100% honesty. If I am wearing an outfit that is not up to standard, I would like to be informed. Friends don’t let friends look like they just stepped out of a 2005 music video. Crocs, Sketchers Shape Ups, True Religion Jeans, and Juicy Coture sweatsuits will just not be tolerated. My friends always tell me if my hair makes me look like a child beauty pageant wannabe, or if my makeup is making me look like a low class hooker. That’s what friends are for.

2. Distance makes the heart grow fonder: As much as I love my friends, I do like to have my time alone, and I do not need a bitch to be blowing up my phone 24/7. I don’t draw a line at issuing restraining orders against friends. In fact, that may just be an ideal way to end a friendship. Nothing says we are friends no more like a man in a suit showing up at your door saying that you have been served.

3. No excuses: real friends do not need to make excuses to cancel plans. If someone is your real friend you should be able to tell them that you just don’t feel like showing up to their house for the weekly Bachelor monday night viewing party. If a friend tells me they don’t want to hangout anymore, I don’t cry about it. I say okay, and MOVE ON. Chances are a sense of relief equivalent to a “you are not the father” confirmation on Maury will wash over me. Nothing better than canceled plans. Just kidding. Kind of.

4. Friends celebrate each other and do not harbor hostility over their successes. There is nothing worse than feeling like you cannot share good news and accomplishments with friends out of fear that the other person is going to feel insecure and jealous. Everyone has their own good and bad moments, and friends should be there for all of them. Unless they get arrested for murder, then I will drop that bitch faster than my heart rate when watching an episode of Chopped. (Which is really fast that show stresses me out a lot).

5. Friends tell each other when their behavior is ridiculous. If I hear my friend talking to her mom on the phone in a way that I think is out of line, I will straight up tell her that if I were her mom I would have put her up for adoption while I still had the chance. If a friend is being a psycho and texting her boyfriend too many times, demanding to know where he is like she is his fucking parole officer, then I will tell her to get a life. And I expect the same in return.

6. Friends make you feel like you can be the most authentic version of yourself. Real friends do not judge you for the things that you say, they may recommend a therapist, or perhaps a quick stint in rehab, but they do not judge. My friends and I have similar interests, as well as extremely different interests, and I love to hear about all of them. For example, I have no interest whatsoever in animal biology, but if that is my friend’s passion, I will suck it up and listen. Appreciate the strange quirks and idiosyncrasies of your friends. Encourage them to embrace their passions. Unless their passion is shoplifting luxury items. I say this from experience. I once had a friend who had a bit of a klepto phase, and she was constantly trying to one up herself when it came to the cost of the items she was stealing. It was extremely disturbing, and when I found out the item she gave me for my birthday was stolen, I cut that bitch out of my life so fast. And cops if you are reading this, I returned the item to her. I do not want any stolen items in my possession. #honest. I caught up with this girl recently and found that she was no longer stealing. This was because she felt that it was too risky to be stealing luxury items at the age of 22, when she was currently in the process of applying to law schools. I mean the irony just cannot be ignored. It’s like Alanis Morissette level Ironic.

These are just several of the traits that I admire and look for in friends. In general I would say that I am pretty easy going, and that I have an appreciation for low maintenance friendships. I am usually the Dr. Phil of all my friendships, and I am always willing to listen to problems, and offer advice. This advice is usually not based on personal experience, and I am probably not qualified to be offering it.

Results not guaranteed.

7 thoughts on “Gal Pals 101

  1. See… and I thought I was the only one. I tell shit the way it is. If you want it sugar coated, then you’ve come to the wrong person. Maybe that’s why I have no friends…


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