For the last week, I have been on my death bed.
Last Tuesday while I was at work, I felt a distinct throat itch, nose stuffiness, and the confusion that only early onset fevered delusions can bring. When I woke up on Wednesday morning I felt like I had been roofied, and then hit repeatedly by a semi-truck. I had genuinely never felt worse in my entire life. This flu consisted of me hardly being able to keep my eyes open, intense delusions, fevered sweats, cold shivers, severe congestion, and my throat felt like Satan had established residency inside of it. I spent an entire week passed out on the couch watching Law and Order: SVU.
Side note: I found it quite funny that despite my fevered state I could still recite the entire opening to Law and Order. IN THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM SEXUALLY BASED OFFENSES ARE CONSIDERED ESPECIALLY HEINOUS, IN NEW YORK CITY THE DEDICATED DETECTIVES WHO INVESTIGATE THESE VICIOUS FELONIES ARE MEMBERS OF AN ELITE SQUAD KNOWN AS THE SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT. THESE ARE THEIR STORIES. DUN DUN.
Anyway, it was a horrible week and I told everyone I know that I was going to die on several different occasions. Shockingly I made it out of the week with only 2 or 3 inappropriate and fever induced embarrassing text messages being sent. That is character development at it’s finest. New year, new me.
Yesterday, I also started my new job. When I arrived they informed me that I was going to be doing something completely different than what they had originally conveyed to me. I won’t go into full details, but somehow my ridiculous self has stumbled into an office assistant type position. I’m a bit apprehensive about this, and interested to see how it will play out, but at least it has resumé benefits. Sometimes you just gotta fake it till’ you make it I suppose.
In other news, I heard that Charlie Manson was out of prison and in the hospital. I just want to say to Charlie, that if I can bounce back from the brink of death, then so can you. Or not.