Fatally Flaky

I am a bit of a self proclaimed flake. Not in the sense that I will cancel on plans last minute (I’m not that barbaric), but I do engage in manipulation tactics to get the other person to cancel the plans. This is a true skill, and it is something I will most certainly be adding to my resumé.

During the school year, if I make plans with someone, all I have to do is mention the assignment that they have due and then hit them with the “wow that must be so stressful” “I can’t believe it is worth that much of your grade!” “how do you have time to do that and go to work?? Inspiring”. Next thing I know they are desperately apologizing to me for having to cancel the plans we made. The weight of all the obligations they have to fulfill in their life is heavy, and all you have to do is push down on that weight a tad harder.

If any of my friends read this I want you to know, that from the bottom of my heart, I’m not sorry about this at all. If anything you should be thanking me for doing you an academic favor.

Other tactics usually involve pushing off the plans, like saying “I heard that place has a pretty great Taco Tuesday deal.” Next thing I know, my Saturday night plans have turned into Tuesday plans. When Tuesday rolls around, I then implement the tactics mentioned earlier, because who has time to do anything on a weekday?

Pitching new plans is essentially very professional. It’s like a business proposal. The art of persuasion is something that has to be practiced in order to be mastered. Channel your inner Jim Jones.

Now, although these tips make help you live the true Boo Radley life that you have always wanted to live, morally I am obligated to give you some precautionary measures.

Being that I am so into true crime, I realize that anyone could be accused of a crime at any moment.  And how do you immediately dispel suspicion? An alibi.

Now you tell me, what kind of alibi is “I was at home watching reruns of the Real Housewives of New York?” It’s not great. They will ask, “did anyone see you during this time?” And I will have to tell them that I had literally no social interaction whatsoever. At that point it’s not looking good for me.

Next thing I know they are getting a search warrant for my home. Here they will find a copies of books about the zodiac killer, Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, O.J. Simpson, Richard Ramirez, Ed Gein, Albert Fish, Jefferey Dahmer, and probably more that I can’t think of right now. This will probably not bode well for me. They will look at my Netflix queue and realize I had recently binge watched Forensic Files, and How to Get Away with Murder. Also not the best.

I am going to be the new, young, and fresh, version of Amanda Knox. Netflix documentary special and all. I am going to be put away as an innocent person, like the fist time Steven Avery was imprisoned. Not the second. He totally did it that time.

Now that I have given you that warning, I feel like you can successfully live your life in solitude, and be a strong and independent bitch that don’t need no plans.

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